In the past couple of months, but more specifically within the last week I've had a lot of sudden realizations about myself, particularly my image and how I have portrayed myself to the world and that caused me to finally think critically about myself and how others see me, and this is what led to my decision to change my username here.
Its been a chain reaction of things. First a few months ago it dawned on me that I'm gonna be 30 in July and I realized that I've been alone for so long and have never really tried to put myself out there in the dating world for a number of reasons. First my priorities lied in other stuff - improving my art being the only one that really resulted in anything worthwhile. But the fact I'm gay also made it harder, especially since I never was a club or bar person, and I was shy and insecure and just a general anxious mess from my shitty growing up experiences.
But a little while ago I tried some apps. I never wanted to resort to that but truth be told I was feeling pretty lonley, desperate and depressed. So I went into that with confidence, after all I'm a cool looking guy
and I'm sure I'd still be appealing to those even younger than me. But a lack of interest from guys on there told me otherwise and started making me question my appearance.
So, just yesterday I had to find out does the world see me the way I always saw myself. I knew I couldn't ask family, friends or even my dA watchers since they'll all sugarcoat it since none of us want to hurt the feelings of those we care about
I needed unbiased honesty so I turned to complete strangers on an "Am I Ugly?" board where people concerned about their appearances go to get, well - wilfully judged and given advice on what to do to improve themselves. I needed a reality check so jumped in with some recent photo's to get real
opinions... The results were not pretty.
For starters I can't pass for a "boy" of any kind anymore - my age is showing and I was advised to work with it, not fight against it since I definitely have the look of a man now. I'm also really thin and need to gain weight and work out if I want to have a body that matches my new, more "distinguished" face, since while boys
can look great when skinny - men
usually don't, can't say I disagree either. My skin is bad, hopefully I can do something about that. My hair was the worst offender to everyone though and was a point of interest in just about every comment - years of bleaching it has made it dry and as one comment put it "mankey" (no, not the Pokemon
) so I might have to spend a while being my natural colour if I want to save it. Everyone suggested a new style too because going for the Final Fantasy look at near 30 is bordering on the desperate. By the time I'm 40 it'll just be plain pathetic
All hard advice to swallow but perfectly justified. I'm not sure if I can even afford the time or money to do all this self improvement stuff to hopefully transform from aging boy who thought
he looked good to confident man who actually
looks good, especially to other men who aren't
creepy old perverts. But just in case I don't I need a new name that wasn't suggestive of my appearance or age. Something simple, original and won't reek of desperation or "former glory days" in the far future (though I sure hope those
weren't my glory days!) It's better to change it now than wait another ten years.
Being an artist is about trying new things, not just with your creations but with yourself.
I could still say a lot more but I'll save it for the comments. Any questions about my decision will be answered, any advice on where should I go from here will be considered. Any advice others who might be going through the same thing want from me will be given... to the best of my ability